I figured it out. They are masters at compartmentalization. What I just realized (duh again!) is that I’m in the compartment that could be called “The Reddit threads, other silly shit textlationship”. He thinks of me only to share silly cat videos. I let myself be in fantasy land thinking it was something more. Maybe because of the way it started.
Me. Of all people. I’m the person who knows electronic comm is not a relationship. The main reason why I won’t engage much online let alone do the online dating thing. It’s onfuckingline. People are so attached to that part. I find it the most exhausting thing ever maybe because I’ve been doing it for decades. Not the dating part. Communicating electronically. It ain’t new. I’ve watched friends feel ‘dumped’ when someone they were texting with bails out on them. Yes, some of us are that lonely. We want to connect. Bad.
My biggest problem. I am one of the lonely. The too much, not enough, too old, too disarming. All the things I tell myself that reinforces the unworthiness. Not worthy of having the organic connections – the ones that feel real – become true reality. The crumbs of touch that spark the firefly feelings. Fleeting and rare, the ones I long for the most. I’ve had those. And I will admit to wanting so much for them to be real that I fell into the pit of hope I’ve been warning others about for so long.
When I think of what you went through all these years to stick around, I’m in such awe. I want to have half of your grounding. Maybe even just a speck of whatever you had that kept you tethered. Thanks for sticking around for so long.